ryanini

okay okay okay ryan.

time to take a step back and remember where you're standing.

the thing about being too close is you forget to look at the bigger picture. but this isn't me saying i'm starting to have baseless hopes again. all i'm saying is that this is giving me reasonable doubts of how unmalicious i am currently seeing things. because you know, good intent is sometimes laced with malicious actions - conscious or not.

so i was watching a how-i-met-your-mother episode a couple of days back. i'm not an avid fan but i do like watching it when i get the chance to. it was that episode when ted asked robin if there's something that's ever gonna come out of their situation. if she loved him. of course i wouldn't know how many times in the series this question has been thrown out there. but given the limited number of episodes i've seen, i'm taking it as the first. anyway. my point is, you really just have to put it out there. sometimes it's a world of difference between knowing it and hearing it. it's a different sense of finality when you fill the thoughts out with actual words. no better way than through. you're better off knowing it early on.

so. this doesn't exactly relate to what my point was. but i guess i wanted to say that when you're the ted that's been robin-ed, you gotta call it quits. i guess the problem is knowing when you've been robin-ed. or making an avenue to find out if you'll be robin-ed or not. in light of recent events, i wouldn't say i've been robin-ed. i mean, you can't break off something that hasn't exactly started. but then you gotta know when to call it quits. and you know, you can't forever be hanging around thinking of what could possibly happen. the unending what-if's and what-could-be's. 

the episode ended with marshall kicking robin out.

question is, when (and how exactly) do you kick your robin out?

when do you do something about proximity to make sure it doesn't compromise your plight for being platonic? because after all, we all say we're better off friends than nothing. but do you really have to do something about proximity? when do you say something has to be done? and is this ultimately fair?

i'm at that point where i can say i'm yet to be emotionally compromised. i have my delusional hopes tucked in waaay far where it's supposed to be. but i can see that i'm dangerously straddling a fine line between two things i'm not yet sure of. i know i'm fencing over something. i'm just not sure what. i mean, i'm pretty resolved with the fact that nothing's ever gonna come out of this. so i'm quite sure i'm not hoping. but yeah, there's something. that i'll have to figure out.

i'll have to qualify better the things that are happening lately. aka weed everything out for any possibilities of intent from the other end. yes. everything. it's simpler that way.

...

and yes, this is happening on top of the insanity that is work lately.

ryanini

to claim today has been terrible would be an utter understatement. pair that with my growing dismay towards my recent (unconscious) choice to be all elderly and shit and you get a really angsty ryan on a random tuesday.

i hate hearing my jaded self in action. like it's one thing to lie in my bed and start thinking about all the old-person things i've been drowning myself in. it's another to start telling people about how they should start drowning in their pools of misery too. it is true, after all, that misery loves company.

so today, i totally did a complete verbal diarrhea on how i think the world connives to work against your baseless assumptions. how the world blindsides people's wishful thinking. how everything you are secretly hoping for and the little things you base these hopes on are just complete misconceptions. so much for optimism right? again. it wasn't a good day. but point of the matter is, i have robbed myself of youth. the oh so glorious luxury of youth. that bright sun-shiny feeling of wondering about the what-could-be's and the endless wishful nothings. that perspective of coming into a situation with nothing but a handful of unsubstantiated hope and feeling as though it was all you needed to get through things; because at the end of the day, feeling what it felt like was all worth it. regardless of what came out of it.

yes, i have been robbed of youth. i have robbed me of youth.

it has been my theme for the past couple of weeks. i recently found out that i don't enjoy the same things as much. that i somehow have outgrown them. like i woke up one morning and the same things don't appeal to me as much as they used to. how everyone else seems to enjoy the things i used to enjoy just fine. and i, standing a few paces back, looking at people bathing themselves in what used to be my own brand of happiness. and yet i remain standing. watching. unenjoying. totally unyouthful.

fast forward to today when ghosts of flirt-fest past resurfaced. of course, ramblings of a jaded twenty-four year old started pouring out like fuck. and it was a ghastly sight to see, watching all those calloused words get thrown on the table like there was more where they came from ('cos there probably still are?). pathetic. it was almost a perfect combination for a horrible evening of lambasting anything that even remotely resembled hope. i'm coming from a couple weeks' worth of uneasy feelings of being old and then get hit with stories from the grapevine. recipe for a mental breakdown, if you ask me. youthful mental breakdown, that is.

i have got to snap out of this. i sound like a thirty-something when i should be out there carelessly making mistakes. jumping at risks. killing time like a fucking menace. so much for spontaneity and free-spiritedness. three years of trying to be out there and i'm already calling it quits. as if i've gone through everything one can ever go through. what an ignoramus. and yet here i am, ranting half past three in the morning.

i need to sound like i'm twenty four. i need to.